When You Must Chose Between Pain and Freedom.

Making the rough decision to get a wheelchair

“Thank you Babe for getting this darn walker out of the car!” I tell my boyfriend as I unfold my walker in front of me. It was a warm, sunny Sunday afternoon and we had just left a long day at church but stopped off at the local store because I was out of food, I looked up and saw the long walk to the front of the store from my handicapped parking spot and sighed. When I got to the front of the store, I was already tired out and we still had to shop. So I hobble into the store with my boyfriend leading the way with the basket.

I suffer from Autoimmune Diseases that are taking a lot from me-- quickly. It has stolen so much from me and given me things in return that I really don’t want, like unimaginable and horrific pain, sleepless nights and days spent in bed.

I was able to go five minutes without pain. It came on quick and suddenly. My knees buckled, my breath was stolen from my body, my teeth clenched and my eyes watered. I bit my tongue and continued walking, I was determined to get the things I needed. I tried to hide the pain like I usually do from my boyfriend, I hate when he sees me in pain but the mask came off quickly and in a loving way, told me to sit and that he’d help me retrieve what I needed.

This is normalcy for my boyfriend and I. My walker doesn’t help me and the pain only stops when I sit. It’s hard on both of us and cuts our dates and fun times short. I don’t want to have my fun days stopped.

Later that night, I went home and thought about getting a wheelchair. I had been thinking of asking for a while now. I cried and asked myself why me? Getting a chair is scary, you have so many things you need to think of when you are looking to get one. Thoughts like: what if they stare? What if they call me names for not being paralyzed? What about the judgment? Then you have to contemplate whether they are going to think you are giving up, is it worth it? I asked myself the same questions over and over again.

I eventually realized that people’s opinions don’t matter and that if people want to stare, that’s their issue. If this will get me out and about, if this will give me some sort of sense of freedom, why not? The thing is, this sort of thinking grew and developed from society’s fear of those who are different. They hate on anyone they can’t understand. Society makes those like myself doubt themselves. Society tells me that because I am not paralyzed I do not need a wheelchair. Society, society, Society! It’s funny how society is usually the reason that many people become like myself: waiting till the last moment to get what they need.

Against what society wishes but in agreement with my family and friends, I decided to listen to my sister and boyfriend and I asked for a wheelchair. It was scary, nerve wracking and extremely hard to admit I need a chair now. My doctor was amazing and thought that I needed it as well.

As a society, we must change our thinking patterns. We must stop allowing passion to run our reason. We must teach ourselves and others the truth, and that is not everyone in a wheelchair is paralyzed and not all illnesses are visible.

(has been submitted to the Mighty for possible Publication)