I have been trying to bring more awareness to disassociation as of late. I decided to ask around to my friends, family and others to tell me how they would describe their experience with it or what it's like. Each person who answered has experienced at some point disassociation, I ask that everyone respect those who have answered.
"For me it's like I'm on auto pilot, I see what's going on around me, I have small conversations but I'm not really in control. It normally happens after some sort a trigger but I'm not sure what all of them are. I'll do homework, drive, eat, work, whatever I'm supposed to do and then suddenly realize I've no idea how I got any of it done." ~Courtney Heathfield
"Smells trigger memories for me. Beer smell brings me back and I relive those moments. I stare off into space and hear nothing around me. Certain people that look familiar trigger it also. I get panicked and sweaty. Sometimes anxiety attacks. Some programs on tv also trigger it and I feel sick and weepy." ~Catherine M. Hodge
"I disassociate alot. Intense emotion is usually the trigger...either anger or fear or sadness. My ex-husband and my son trigger my anger and I "watch" as this other self, consumed by rage, acts out in ways my conscious self would never permit, if she were present. I "wake up" filled with remorse for things I've said and done. When I'm in sadness or fear of abandonment, I lose my ability to hear (things sound muffled like I'm underwater) or I can't remember what someone said to me or lots of time elapses without my awareness. I guess I would describe it as my true self becomes a witness in times of anger and goes into sleep mode in times of sadness. Sometimes in times of intense fear, the rager comes out demanding information in a panic-stricken frenzy. My real self watches in shock and waits for it to be over." ~Anonymous
"With my anxiety disorder, before and sometimes during anxiety and panic attacks, I "separate" as I call it, or "space out". Everything seems to slow down, rooms will get crisp looking or seem really small. I will hear nothing from anyone if they are speaking with me. When I do "come back" I usually continue with my attack until I feel grounded or safe... Worry free sort of speak. With my PTSD it is more of a feeling of not being good enough. Thoughts that things can't be real or I can't be real... This can't be happening.... That sort of thing. When the disassociation with my PTSD happens it is usually followed with getting depressed. Beating myself up because I don't feel normal or good. It causes a worthless feeling which in turn causes me to hermit. Not go out or talk to anyone. With my anxiety disorder, usually an attack will trigger the disassociation. Can happen before, during or even after an attack. Usually ends with an attack most of the time. Feeling grounded helps but not always. " ~Summer Cramer
I could not get any more people to describe their experiences, but these are the ones I could receive.****
****I may add on if anyone gives me more. All are welcome to participate.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Bullying, The Horrible Truth
It’s a cool, Autumn day in Portland. On this particular day, the sun has made a rare appearance. Shining its rays on those who are shuffling around town. The busy bustle of downtown and the sound of the Willamette river fill the air as the day lingers on. In a school yard, there sits a young girl. Her blond hair in pigtails and her cheeks a bright red from smiling. She was swinging on the swing set. She had very few friends and the ones she did have were not at the school she attended. Many of her peers did not like her presence and thought of her as the strange one. It wasn’t her fault. She was born different and her 8 year old classmates weren’t old enough to know that. They just saw that she was trying too hard, that she spoke funny and acted weird. To a parent’s eye it was sad, but little Noelle didn’t care. She was just being herself.
Until that day, she sat all alone on the swing set. She was having fun and didn’t care how others thought of her. As she sat there, three girls came up to her. They pushed her off of the swings. They hurled some of the worse names that she has heard in her life. They punched her and pulled her hair. They then stole her lunch money. They left her crying and bleeding in the sand in front of the swing she was just having fun in. No one came over for what felt like forever to Noelle. The teacher who found her helped her up and asked what had taken place and she couldn’t say because she was too scared to tell. Her parents were called down and were told to take her home. When asked what they would do to stop these girls, they refused to do anything stating that Noelle was asking for it, that because of how different she is from the other kids, this was her fault. Noelle never trusted another school employee again. From that point on, she became depressed and angry. The bullying continued well into her high school years. Between already having Autism Spectrum Disorder, she was diagnosed with PTSD, depression and anxiety. Her grades were never good, she had frequent trips to the hospital with suicide attempts. Her parents, try as they did, could do nothing to help her. She fell into a hole that nothing seems to get her out of. Noelle ended up committing suicide at the age of 16.
In a small office in Chicago, John Cevik sat at his cubical doing his work. He was a mousey, quiet fellow who never bothered anyone, usually got there early and left on time, and never made a fuss. He was not anyone’s friend because he was there to work and to work only. His private life did not mix with his insurance sales. One day, he decided to get himself more coffee because he was working on a particularly hard case and the paperwork was lengthy and hard. AS he walked over to the break room, he overheard two employees talking. “Ya have you seen that John Fellow? He’s so quiet. I wonder why he doesn’t talk to anyone?” the first voice said. “I don’t know but he’s just so creepy, I heard he was fired from his last job for touching a woman.” The second one snickered. “You don’t say? No wonder why he never goes to the office parties or get togethers!” “Well I definitely don’t want to, don’t need him touching me!” They snickered and continued on. John shook his head and thought to himself, “Well it must be another John, I mean I haven’t done anything to get people to not like me.” So e continued on to get his coffee. When he sat back down at his desk, there was a note on his desk, “You’re a perv, why are you here anyways?” He looked around and sighed. He then threw away the paper and went back to work.
At about five o’clock he clocked out and proceeded to walk to his car. As he was about half way there, two of his male colleagues stopped him. “Where are you going?” Sad the first. “You going to attack little, helpless women?” The second laughed. John sighed and tried to walk on. “Where do you think you’re going?” The biggest one said. “I am going to my car, I haven’t touched anyone and I don’t plan to. I have a wife and a small baby at home who I adore and would never do something like that.” “Right, like you’d tell the truth! I am going to teach you a lesson you won’t forget!”
Black, blue and bloody he drove home. He walked up to his front door and opened it. His wife called out a hello but he ignored it and went to be. The next day at work, his boss called him in to his office.
“Mr. Cevik, I have been receiving some very disturbing complaints of you as of late. I have had two women complain that you have touched them inappropriately. What do you have to say to this? And what in Godly tarnations happened to your face?” “Sir, I have done no such thing. I have always kept to myself, I am always early, leave on time, I don’t go to the parties because I want time with my family, I always get my work done and I don’t really communicate with anyone aside from your self sir. I don’t know why anyone would say anything like this, I have a wife I love deeply and a daughter who just learned to walk this morning. I would do anything for them and I love my wife so deeply I have never even so much as looked as any other woman than her. As far as my face goes, Landy and Grost cornered me in the garage last night and beat me up. I didn’t say or do anything to them, and I just went on my way after.” “Being that you have never given me any trouble for the last 15 years you have worked here, I am inclined to believe your story. I will talk to these two women and straighten them out as well as talk to the men that did this too you. For your safety I ask that you let me know when you leave. If they bother you again, you call the police, clear?””Yes sir, thank you sir.” And John quickly left the room. He went back to work.
Two hours later the two women who had been spreading rumors, came up to him and threatened him that it wasn’t over. For two months straight, they harassed and bothered him. They didn’t give him a break. He decided after so long and many reports to HR with no luck, that he would find another job and quit. Once he found a job, he went to his boss and quit the job. He got nothing for the fifteen years and he felt that these women had won but he had nothing else he could do. So he walked out of there with his head hung low.
These sort of things happen every day, to anyone, anywhere. It’s called bullying. Bullying can take place online, at school, at home, at work and outside in public. Many times bullying goes unreported or ignored. Many times the victim is blamed or is not listened to.
When the case is at school, many times the child doesn’t report it. “64 percent of children who were bullied did not report it; only 36 percent reported the bullying. (Petrosina, Guckenburg, DeVoe, and Hanson, 2010)” Which can lead to many things. “…students who are bullied are more likely to experience low self-esteem and isolation, perform poorly in school, have few friends in school, have a negative view of school, experience physical symptoms (such as headaches, stomachaches, or problems sleeping), and to experience mental health issues (such as depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety (Center for Disease Control, Bullying Surveillance Among Youths, 2014). “Bullying affects witnesses as well as targets. Witnesses are more likely to use tobacco, alcohol, or other drugs; have increased mental health problems; and miss or skip school (StopBullying.gov). “ More often than not, those who have committed suicide, have been severely bullied. Those who have the courage to report the bullying end up in a worse situation where they are blamed in one way or another for the bullying, the school edns up becoming the bully or the bullies come after them. The only way to stop bullying is for the schools to take action and for the parents to become active in their child’s lives. We must keep an eye on what our children do on Facebook and social media and we must teach them that we need to be kind to others, to see past physical and mental appearances, and to stand up for those who they see being bullied. These are a few things that could help our children grow to be kinder. How can our children grow up to be respectful of others if we ourselves do not teach them to be?? (http://www.pacer.org/bullying/)
Adults can be bullied as well. Not only does it create the same sort of side effects as above, but it can completely ruin their career and lives. Workplace bullying can lead to jobs lost, careers destroyed, marriages broken, and lives lost. People work to put themselves where they are at and bullies in the workplace can be slanderers. One wrong word, one wrong rumor, can destroy a person’s career. Often times like in John’s case, these rumors can’t be stopped. HR may just easily forget or ignore when told. They may even continue the bullying. Things that can help stop this from happening is HR taking these cases seriously, Creating action plans, workshops, and interventions. There are many websites that give advice on these subjects and even groups that can be hired to conduct these. Every business should have these in place to make sure that bullying does not happen and if it does, that it is handled immediately. (http://www.workplacebullying.org/)
Bullying is a serious epidemic in the world, not just in the USA. It can lead to major consequences and in the worse case, suicide. It needs to end but it can’t until we all work together to stop it. Yes, children can be mean and some adults too but if we stop this thought that “kids will be kids”, it can make a world of difference. We keep making excuses, we keep allowing it to happen. We must stop this. The bullies must take accountability for the things they have done, until then it will not end.
Resources:
http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/#
The Lifeline is available for everyone, is free, and confidential. See below for additional crisis services and hotlines.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
Nacional de Prevención del Suicidio
1-888-628-9454
Options For Deaf + Hard of Hearing
1-800-799-4889
Veterans Crisis Line
1-800-273-8255
Text 838255
Disaster Distress Helpline
1-800-985-5990
Text TalkWithUs to 66746
Until that day, she sat all alone on the swing set. She was having fun and didn’t care how others thought of her. As she sat there, three girls came up to her. They pushed her off of the swings. They hurled some of the worse names that she has heard in her life. They punched her and pulled her hair. They then stole her lunch money. They left her crying and bleeding in the sand in front of the swing she was just having fun in. No one came over for what felt like forever to Noelle. The teacher who found her helped her up and asked what had taken place and she couldn’t say because she was too scared to tell. Her parents were called down and were told to take her home. When asked what they would do to stop these girls, they refused to do anything stating that Noelle was asking for it, that because of how different she is from the other kids, this was her fault. Noelle never trusted another school employee again. From that point on, she became depressed and angry. The bullying continued well into her high school years. Between already having Autism Spectrum Disorder, she was diagnosed with PTSD, depression and anxiety. Her grades were never good, she had frequent trips to the hospital with suicide attempts. Her parents, try as they did, could do nothing to help her. She fell into a hole that nothing seems to get her out of. Noelle ended up committing suicide at the age of 16.
In a small office in Chicago, John Cevik sat at his cubical doing his work. He was a mousey, quiet fellow who never bothered anyone, usually got there early and left on time, and never made a fuss. He was not anyone’s friend because he was there to work and to work only. His private life did not mix with his insurance sales. One day, he decided to get himself more coffee because he was working on a particularly hard case and the paperwork was lengthy and hard. AS he walked over to the break room, he overheard two employees talking. “Ya have you seen that John Fellow? He’s so quiet. I wonder why he doesn’t talk to anyone?” the first voice said. “I don’t know but he’s just so creepy, I heard he was fired from his last job for touching a woman.” The second one snickered. “You don’t say? No wonder why he never goes to the office parties or get togethers!” “Well I definitely don’t want to, don’t need him touching me!” They snickered and continued on. John shook his head and thought to himself, “Well it must be another John, I mean I haven’t done anything to get people to not like me.” So e continued on to get his coffee. When he sat back down at his desk, there was a note on his desk, “You’re a perv, why are you here anyways?” He looked around and sighed. He then threw away the paper and went back to work.
At about five o’clock he clocked out and proceeded to walk to his car. As he was about half way there, two of his male colleagues stopped him. “Where are you going?” Sad the first. “You going to attack little, helpless women?” The second laughed. John sighed and tried to walk on. “Where do you think you’re going?” The biggest one said. “I am going to my car, I haven’t touched anyone and I don’t plan to. I have a wife and a small baby at home who I adore and would never do something like that.” “Right, like you’d tell the truth! I am going to teach you a lesson you won’t forget!”
Black, blue and bloody he drove home. He walked up to his front door and opened it. His wife called out a hello but he ignored it and went to be. The next day at work, his boss called him in to his office.
“Mr. Cevik, I have been receiving some very disturbing complaints of you as of late. I have had two women complain that you have touched them inappropriately. What do you have to say to this? And what in Godly tarnations happened to your face?” “Sir, I have done no such thing. I have always kept to myself, I am always early, leave on time, I don’t go to the parties because I want time with my family, I always get my work done and I don’t really communicate with anyone aside from your self sir. I don’t know why anyone would say anything like this, I have a wife I love deeply and a daughter who just learned to walk this morning. I would do anything for them and I love my wife so deeply I have never even so much as looked as any other woman than her. As far as my face goes, Landy and Grost cornered me in the garage last night and beat me up. I didn’t say or do anything to them, and I just went on my way after.” “Being that you have never given me any trouble for the last 15 years you have worked here, I am inclined to believe your story. I will talk to these two women and straighten them out as well as talk to the men that did this too you. For your safety I ask that you let me know when you leave. If they bother you again, you call the police, clear?””Yes sir, thank you sir.” And John quickly left the room. He went back to work.
Two hours later the two women who had been spreading rumors, came up to him and threatened him that it wasn’t over. For two months straight, they harassed and bothered him. They didn’t give him a break. He decided after so long and many reports to HR with no luck, that he would find another job and quit. Once he found a job, he went to his boss and quit the job. He got nothing for the fifteen years and he felt that these women had won but he had nothing else he could do. So he walked out of there with his head hung low.
These sort of things happen every day, to anyone, anywhere. It’s called bullying. Bullying can take place online, at school, at home, at work and outside in public. Many times bullying goes unreported or ignored. Many times the victim is blamed or is not listened to.
When the case is at school, many times the child doesn’t report it. “64 percent of children who were bullied did not report it; only 36 percent reported the bullying. (Petrosina, Guckenburg, DeVoe, and Hanson, 2010)” Which can lead to many things. “…students who are bullied are more likely to experience low self-esteem and isolation, perform poorly in school, have few friends in school, have a negative view of school, experience physical symptoms (such as headaches, stomachaches, or problems sleeping), and to experience mental health issues (such as depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety (Center for Disease Control, Bullying Surveillance Among Youths, 2014). “Bullying affects witnesses as well as targets. Witnesses are more likely to use tobacco, alcohol, or other drugs; have increased mental health problems; and miss or skip school (StopBullying.gov). “ More often than not, those who have committed suicide, have been severely bullied. Those who have the courage to report the bullying end up in a worse situation where they are blamed in one way or another for the bullying, the school edns up becoming the bully or the bullies come after them. The only way to stop bullying is for the schools to take action and for the parents to become active in their child’s lives. We must keep an eye on what our children do on Facebook and social media and we must teach them that we need to be kind to others, to see past physical and mental appearances, and to stand up for those who they see being bullied. These are a few things that could help our children grow to be kinder. How can our children grow up to be respectful of others if we ourselves do not teach them to be?? (http://www.pacer.org/bullying/)
Adults can be bullied as well. Not only does it create the same sort of side effects as above, but it can completely ruin their career and lives. Workplace bullying can lead to jobs lost, careers destroyed, marriages broken, and lives lost. People work to put themselves where they are at and bullies in the workplace can be slanderers. One wrong word, one wrong rumor, can destroy a person’s career. Often times like in John’s case, these rumors can’t be stopped. HR may just easily forget or ignore when told. They may even continue the bullying. Things that can help stop this from happening is HR taking these cases seriously, Creating action plans, workshops, and interventions. There are many websites that give advice on these subjects and even groups that can be hired to conduct these. Every business should have these in place to make sure that bullying does not happen and if it does, that it is handled immediately. (http://www.workplacebullying.org/)
Bullying is a serious epidemic in the world, not just in the USA. It can lead to major consequences and in the worse case, suicide. It needs to end but it can’t until we all work together to stop it. Yes, children can be mean and some adults too but if we stop this thought that “kids will be kids”, it can make a world of difference. We keep making excuses, we keep allowing it to happen. We must stop this. The bullies must take accountability for the things they have done, until then it will not end.
Resources:
http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/#
The Lifeline is available for everyone, is free, and confidential. See below for additional crisis services and hotlines.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
Nacional de Prevención del Suicidio
1-888-628-9454
Options For Deaf + Hard of Hearing
1-800-799-4889
Veterans Crisis Line
1-800-273-8255
Text 838255
Disaster Distress Helpline
1-800-985-5990
Text TalkWithUs to 66746
Monday, October 17, 2016
Closed. A Poem By Arianna Nyswonger ©
Sadness.
Sadness comes when I see,
All those with a voice
Giving in to those around me.
The words penetrate their minds
Bodies
And souls,
They don't realize what they have done.
Freely given,
As if not a crime,
Scared to death
To speak my mind.
As my peers,
Decide my fate
All because of their reformed hate,
I become smaller
And smaller with time.
I open my mouth
To speak what I must,
But it falls on deaf hears.
The loudest ones,
Have silenced all.
Like a tyrant,
They try to make us fall.
Drugged on media,
They quickly give away
All the freedoms that they crave.
Like the lions
In the wild
They eat the drugged and hopeless
They devour their minds
Enslave their souls
They think it a game,
To create this illusion
That so many admire.
They think that they will win,
They think we have no mind.
The sheep with no way to break free,
Follow the wolf
The wolf claims to have the key
To their new formed destiny
But the key is rusted and moldy,
It's to the door in which their death lies beyond
Not all of us are sheep,
There are the lambs that broke from the herd long ago
Although we are looked down upon
Although we are frightened
We are not the sheep being led to their slaughter
We are not the sheep
So while the sheep dance to the wolfs happy tune
We will sit here and smile
For only they knew
What we know
Sadness.
For only the silenced
Have the knowledge
That the loud can't see.
©Arianna Nyswonger, 2016
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
The White Room
It wasn't very long ago when I was stuck in what I like to call the White Room. This white room doesn't have any windows, doors, or anyway out of it. It's just a four walled room. The ceiling, floor and walls white. Nothing of substantial color in there. Just how it's described, white. It's maddening. It can make anyone go absolutely insane.
What is this white room you ask?
It's my metaphor for disassociation. It's a mechanism many with PTSD have when their brain feels threatened. Their brain goes within itself and you are stuck. You are alone in this room with what feels like no way out. It's not just "depression". Although one may go through it at the same time as depression, they are not quite the same. When you disassociate, you're more than stuck in your own mind. You've been taken hostage by a being that is meant to help you, instead it's destroying you. The world around you falls away, you can't pay any attention to the things going on around you because your mind isn't there. You're stuck till you are pulled out.
Sometimes it can last a few hours up to even a few years! It takes a lot to pull someone out of this state, sometimes the person can do it on their own, sometimes people help the person, and sometimes the only solution to it is medication. There was a point where I was in one for 3 years! The only thing that helped me pull myself out of it was moving to another state. My most recent lasted several months. I'd sit there for hours staring at a wall, staring at my phone, losing myself in my own mind. There were days that I completely lost myself that I forgot to eat. It took new medication for me to pull out of it.
How does it affect someone's life?
Other than losing yourself in your own mind, it can affect multiple areas. I'll share how it affected me because it is different for everyone. For me , I can't clean, cook, move sometimes, lack of concentration, exhausted and my depression gets worse. If my house is a mess, like you can't see the floor, I may be going through disassociation. I lose friends and people start to think I am just ignoring them even though I am really not.
Why am I writing about this?
It needs more awareness. Many don't know what happens when you go through this or what disassociation is. In hopes of helping those who have no clue how to describe it, I decided that this would be my newest blog post.
To those who go through this, feel free to add to or share your own experiences.
What is this white room you ask?
It's my metaphor for disassociation. It's a mechanism many with PTSD have when their brain feels threatened. Their brain goes within itself and you are stuck. You are alone in this room with what feels like no way out. It's not just "depression". Although one may go through it at the same time as depression, they are not quite the same. When you disassociate, you're more than stuck in your own mind. You've been taken hostage by a being that is meant to help you, instead it's destroying you. The world around you falls away, you can't pay any attention to the things going on around you because your mind isn't there. You're stuck till you are pulled out.
Sometimes it can last a few hours up to even a few years! It takes a lot to pull someone out of this state, sometimes the person can do it on their own, sometimes people help the person, and sometimes the only solution to it is medication. There was a point where I was in one for 3 years! The only thing that helped me pull myself out of it was moving to another state. My most recent lasted several months. I'd sit there for hours staring at a wall, staring at my phone, losing myself in my own mind. There were days that I completely lost myself that I forgot to eat. It took new medication for me to pull out of it.
How does it affect someone's life?
Other than losing yourself in your own mind, it can affect multiple areas. I'll share how it affected me because it is different for everyone. For me , I can't clean, cook, move sometimes, lack of concentration, exhausted and my depression gets worse. If my house is a mess, like you can't see the floor, I may be going through disassociation. I lose friends and people start to think I am just ignoring them even though I am really not.
Why am I writing about this?
It needs more awareness. Many don't know what happens when you go through this or what disassociation is. In hopes of helping those who have no clue how to describe it, I decided that this would be my newest blog post.
To those who go through this, feel free to add to or share your own experiences.
Sunday, September 25, 2016
A Letter to My Loved Ones
Dear friends and
family who have stuck by me,
I notice you. I
notice when you help me, when you are there for me, when you support
me through the rough times. I notice you when you drop what you’re
doing to assist me with something. I notice you. I am so very
thankful for all that you have done for me. It’s been difficult to
accept what my body has done to me. It’s taken so much, but I am
blessed it has not taken you away. You may not realize this, but
those little texts, the hanging out when I am lonely, the random
calls, and the offers to help clean, cook, etc. are much bigger than
just favors- they are blessings. These little things make me feel
wanted, special, and cared about. I have lost so many people from
being so physically ill, but I have found who my true friends are. I
can’t express how thankful I am for you guys being around. I have
learned so much from this experience and without you guys, I wouldn’t
have learned any of it.
So here’s me
saying my deepest thank yous, here’s me saying that I love you
guys. I love that you guys help me, I love that you guys weren’t
angry when I started needing a wheelchair. You guys were there when I
needed a shoulder to cry on and when I needed to make some of the
biggest decisions of my life.
As a chronic
illness patient, it’s hard to know who will stick by me thick and
thin. You guys have helped me realize that there’ll always be
someone there for me.
Love,
Your Loved One With
Chronic Illnesses
Saturday, September 10, 2016
When You Must Chose Between Pain and Freedom.
Making the rough decision to get a wheelchair
“Thank you Babe for getting this darn walker out of the car!” I tell my boyfriend as I unfold my walker in front of me. It was a warm, sunny Sunday afternoon and we had just left a long day at church but stopped off at the local store because I was out of food, I looked up and saw the long walk to the front of the store from my handicapped parking spot and sighed. When I got to the front of the store, I was already tired out and we still had to shop. So I hobble into the store with my boyfriend leading the way with the basket.
I suffer from Autoimmune Diseases that are taking a lot from me-- quickly. It has stolen so much from me and given me things in return that I really don’t want, like unimaginable and horrific pain, sleepless nights and days spent in bed.
I was able to go five minutes without pain. It came on quick and suddenly. My knees buckled, my breath was stolen from my body, my teeth clenched and my eyes watered. I bit my tongue and continued walking, I was determined to get the things I needed. I tried to hide the pain like I usually do from my boyfriend, I hate when he sees me in pain but the mask came off quickly and in a loving way, told me to sit and that he’d help me retrieve what I needed.
This is normalcy for my boyfriend and I. My walker doesn’t help me and the pain only stops when I sit. It’s hard on both of us and cuts our dates and fun times short. I don’t want to have my fun days stopped.
Later that night, I went home and thought about getting a wheelchair. I had been thinking of asking for a while now. I cried and asked myself why me? Getting a chair is scary, you have so many things you need to think of when you are looking to get one. Thoughts like: what if they stare? What if they call me names for not being paralyzed? What about the judgment? Then you have to contemplate whether they are going to think you are giving up, is it worth it? I asked myself the same questions over and over again.
I eventually realized that people’s opinions don’t matter and that if people want to stare, that’s their issue. If this will get me out and about, if this will give me some sort of sense of freedom, why not? The thing is, this sort of thinking grew and developed from society’s fear of those who are different. They hate on anyone they can’t understand. Society makes those like myself doubt themselves. Society tells me that because I am not paralyzed I do not need a wheelchair. Society, society, Society! It’s funny how society is usually the reason that many people become like myself: waiting till the last moment to get what they need.
Against what society wishes but in agreement with my family and friends, I decided to listen to my sister and boyfriend and I asked for a wheelchair. It was scary, nerve wracking and extremely hard to admit I need a chair now. My doctor was amazing and thought that I needed it as well.
As a society, we must change our thinking patterns. We must stop allowing passion to run our reason. We must teach ourselves and others the truth, and that is not everyone in a wheelchair is paralyzed and not all illnesses are visible.
(has been submitted to the Mighty for possible Publication)
Friday, September 9, 2016
Trials and Tribulations
I have learned that while trials and tribulations are hard things to over come, using them to teach and better the world is better than moping and thinking things will never be better.
Yes, sometimes our afflictions don't get better, but the way you perceive them can make a world of difference. Instead of staying in the thinking position where you're telling yourself 'why continue if it's only going to get worse?', ask yourself 'how can I use this experience to better the understanding of those around me? How can I help others with this experience?'. Don't let yourself be your own worse enemy, fight against the intrusive thoughts.
If we can remember that although these things happening to us probably royally suck, others may not realize that. If we use this to help those who don't realize how it truly does suck, if we use it to show the world that these stereotypes are not real, we can use a really sucky thing to better the world around us.
I know that by doing this, it has bettered me as a person and has truly helped me see the smaller things in life as blessings.
You are strong, you can do this.
Friday, September 2, 2016
When Two People Ruin It
I love my religion, my faith and religion have gotten me through so much. BUT with that being said, I am fearful of being myself. Our church teaches that LGBTQ are born the way we are. That trans people (this includes those who don't fit under the normal male and female) are gods creation and that we must not bully them, hate on them or anything of the sort. They were born this way. THIS is what they teach. With that being said, so many "GOOD" Mormons still refuse to listen to this. I've witnessed a transwoman be made fun of behind her back, (yes I tried to stop it). So I'm deathly afraid of being talked about behind my back. I don't fit the gender binary, I'm sorta down the middle, agender/genderfluid. I don't share this very often, in fear of someone attacking me. Don't get me wrong, the church is amazing and there's been much more accepting Mormons than not in my ward.
I'll say this though, it took only 2 people out of 50 ward members to make me go inactive for a month and go back into the closet. The only thing that led me back to the church was the Holy Spirit. I'm happy I did, as I'd not have found the love of my life if I didn't.
But I want to feel free to express myself without breaking my religions doctrine, is that too hard to ask? I don't want to feel like I'm going to be made fun of for being myself.
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
A Midnight Rambling
It's 3:30 am currently and I'm sitting awake, in my nice big queen sized bed, cuddling my tiny, yet furocious service dog. As I usually do when I have insomnia, I lay there, scrolling through my Facebook app on my iPhone looking for ideas on what to write. Since I often talk about things that are major in society today, such as civil rights or how things have personally affected me, I decided to throw that aside in this post and talk about something different.
First off, thank you to all of my amazing friends, followers, family and random people who have made this blog happen. Thank you to my amazing boyfriend who's been pushing me to continue my blogging and writing even when I feel like I'm dying. Thank you to my parents, who've been very supportive of me. I love you all and it means a great deal to me that you read my rants, stories, and feelings on basically everything and anything I can think of. When I think of giving up, I get reminded that there are you guys who want to see more of my useless jibber jabbering. Don't worry, I'm not leaving anytime soon. Sorry haters, you're not pushing me away!
Secondly, I am very deeply saddened by the terrible loss of Gene Wilder. He was an amazing man with a good heart. Although widely know for being Willy Wonka, I best liked him in Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein. I'm a Mel Brooks kind of... Druid (yes I think I'm very clever) and always loved Gene's humor that he displayed in Brooks' films. His wittiness, high energy, sometimes really offending, characters always made me forget about the drama and hate-filled world I reside in daily. Now when I see Waco-Kid and Frankenstein, I cry. I cry not only because we lost a wonderful, kind hearted man to a horrible disease that takes everything but because I lost another coping mechanism. I hate seeing the actors who made me laugh pass on. The laughter and joy that once came with these films, are overwhelmed by tears and sadness. At some point, those tears will become laughter again but until they do I will continue to watch his smiling face and cry.
Gene we know you're in a better place, say hi to Alan and David for me?
Thirdly, and lastly, I would like to ask my viewers a question:
What would YOU like to see me writing on my blog? What would you like to see more of? Less of?? What advice do you have for me?
Please feel free to comment on the blog directly here, on my Facebook page or email me. It would mean a lot to get input.
Thanks guys!!
Rest in peace the Waco-Kid. </3
Monday, August 29, 2016
How A Simple Book and Character Saved Me (T/W Suicide)
In my childhood, there were a few characters from books that helped me not only find myself but accept myself for who I am-Autistic and quirky! One of them was Luna Lovegood from the Harry Potter Series by JK Rowling.
As a child who was often the outcast and the target of many bullies due to being "different", I identified with Luna. I loved that she accepted who she was and that, no matter what the bullies would do or say, she'd keep her chin up and use it to teach others or as a learning experience for herself. She never looked down on herself for being quirky and different. I loved that about her because, unlike myself, I couldn't get over being different, I wanted so desperately to be "normal".
The thing is, instead of being viewed as quirky, I was viewed as the weird child in school throughout my life and Luna embodied what I wanted so desperately to be. I felt like she was my best friend (I knew she was only a fictional character) but I felt like I understood her so much that I knew her personally. I would read and read and would tell myself that one day, just maybe, I would accept who I am and become like Luna.
Being Autistic, is just being myself. I am now 23 and have just barely grasped that, I was and still am very much like Luna with my characteristics. The only difference? I have now accepted myself. Thanks to the help of the Harry Potter Gane, I got through one of my deepest bouts of depression that I has as a child (as I also have PTSD).
I remember one day after school, after being bullied so much I just felt I had nothing to continue living for, I came home to a package on my bed. This heavy, bulky package. addressed to a Lady Arianna Nyswonger, from my favorite, loving, biggest Harry Potter Fan Uncle, was the seventh and final Harry Potter book. Through a stream of unending tears I opened that package,and grabbed the book. I stroked its binding and I remember telling myself, 'I can get through this, I know I can. Just one more year and I am done. Just like Harry and the gang and Luna, one more year.' It was my senior year and I was having a very rough time with it. I immediately opened the book and started reading, losing myself in its white pages and the gifted words of a fantastic storyteller. I soon forgot why I was so upset and the thought of "giving up" and just "ending myself" were completely lost within the typed out words. Harry and his story helped me, but Luna the help me the most. Anytime she'd show up in the book, I would get excited- it was someone who I could finally relate to. Luna was me!
Everyday, after school, I'd pick up the book and read. Through tears, I'd battle my own demons just through reading this book. Harry defeating Voldemort was me, defeating the person inside telling me to quit. It was me, defeating he bullies who constantly brought me down. It was me defeating myself, the part of my wanting to quit and die.
Hogwarts was my home during my childhood. I have been there since the beginning, and it's been there for me. It's helped me through my deepest, darkest times when I thought there was no hope. It gave me someone who I could relate to. It helped me accept me. And for that, I can never repay JK Rowling for. She gave me a safety zone, somewhere in my mind I could go to get away. She wrote a character that told me that people would accept me if I just would be me, that the haters can hate but they can't change you. She wrote a character that helped me become who I am today, a writer, an activist, a blogger and most importantly--- myself.
The thing is, instead of being viewed as quirky, I was viewed as the weird child in school throughout my life and Luna embodied what I wanted so desperately to be. I felt like she was my best friend (I knew she was only a fictional character) but I felt like I understood her so much that I knew her personally. I would read and read and would tell myself that one day, just maybe, I would accept who I am and become like Luna.
Being Autistic, is just being myself. I am now 23 and have just barely grasped that, I was and still am very much like Luna with my characteristics. The only difference? I have now accepted myself. Thanks to the help of the Harry Potter Gane, I got through one of my deepest bouts of depression that I has as a child (as I also have PTSD).
I remember one day after school, after being bullied so much I just felt I had nothing to continue living for, I came home to a package on my bed. This heavy, bulky package. addressed to a Lady Arianna Nyswonger, from my favorite, loving, biggest Harry Potter Fan Uncle, was the seventh and final Harry Potter book. Through a stream of unending tears I opened that package,and grabbed the book. I stroked its binding and I remember telling myself, 'I can get through this, I know I can. Just one more year and I am done. Just like Harry and the gang and Luna, one more year.' It was my senior year and I was having a very rough time with it. I immediately opened the book and started reading, losing myself in its white pages and the gifted words of a fantastic storyteller. I soon forgot why I was so upset and the thought of "giving up" and just "ending myself" were completely lost within the typed out words. Harry and his story helped me, but Luna the help me the most. Anytime she'd show up in the book, I would get excited- it was someone who I could finally relate to. Luna was me!
Everyday, after school, I'd pick up the book and read. Through tears, I'd battle my own demons just through reading this book. Harry defeating Voldemort was me, defeating the person inside telling me to quit. It was me, defeating he bullies who constantly brought me down. It was me defeating myself, the part of my wanting to quit and die.
Hogwarts was my home during my childhood. I have been there since the beginning, and it's been there for me. It's helped me through my deepest, darkest times when I thought there was no hope. It gave me someone who I could relate to. It helped me accept me. And for that, I can never repay JK Rowling for. She gave me a safety zone, somewhere in my mind I could go to get away. She wrote a character that told me that people would accept me if I just would be me, that the haters can hate but they can't change you. She wrote a character that helped me become who I am today, a writer, an activist, a blogger and most importantly--- myself.
Saturday, August 27, 2016
A Letter to my Friends:
Dear Friends,
You probably don't understand why I told you that I am Autistic. You probably don't get why I told you that I have issues with comprehending people or certain things.
Here's the thing: I did it because "comprehension" is what gets me into trouble. I tend to lose friends because of it. It can cause issues with communicating and understanding things in general. I tell people so they are warned that I don't do these things on purpose, it's just a part of who I am and I have to work around it but it's very hard to do this. I do my best, but sometimes my best isn't good enough.
I get things mixed up, sometimes I don't even know I do it till it already happens and the person has walked away. I ask that you please try to be patient with me. I am trying. Please remember that it's not you, and it's not entirely me- it's how my brain works. Unfortunately, there's not much that I can do to change it but I ask that you please be patient with me. I try to be patient with myself but it's harder when my friends aren't with me. I am sorry for whatever happens, I am deeply sorry ahead of time but it doesn't mean that I am not trying to be a good friend.
Sincerely,
Your Autistic Friend
You probably don't understand why I told you that I am Autistic. You probably don't get why I told you that I have issues with comprehending people or certain things.
Here's the thing: I did it because "comprehension" is what gets me into trouble. I tend to lose friends because of it. It can cause issues with communicating and understanding things in general. I tell people so they are warned that I don't do these things on purpose, it's just a part of who I am and I have to work around it but it's very hard to do this. I do my best, but sometimes my best isn't good enough.
I get things mixed up, sometimes I don't even know I do it till it already happens and the person has walked away. I ask that you please try to be patient with me. I am trying. Please remember that it's not you, and it's not entirely me- it's how my brain works. Unfortunately, there's not much that I can do to change it but I ask that you please be patient with me. I try to be patient with myself but it's harder when my friends aren't with me. I am sorry for whatever happens, I am deeply sorry ahead of time but it doesn't mean that I am not trying to be a good friend.
Sincerely,
Your Autistic Friend
Saturday, August 13, 2016
I am Determined
I am determined...
I am determined to not let my illnesses control my life. Oh how difficult it is! Its got a tight grip on my life and I have not given it permission to have such a grip! But what am I supposed to do, when I must think about how something may affect me. How a trip to the store may make me hurt, how working might make me lose the very thing that allows me to have my medication, how I can't take classes on a college classes, I don't want my illness to control my life--- but how can you not when so much is at stake? No, I don't allow it to control how I feel about myself, I don't allow it to destroy certain opportunities. I hate that I have to all it to control what I do on a daily basis, that I have to question everything I do. But what can you do when the choice is hurt or not hurt?
I am determined to not let my illnesses control my life. Oh how difficult it is! Its got a tight grip on my life and I have not given it permission to have such a grip! But what am I supposed to do, when I must think about how something may affect me. How a trip to the store may make me hurt, how working might make me lose the very thing that allows me to have my medication, how I can't take classes on a college classes, I don't want my illness to control my life--- but how can you not when so much is at stake? No, I don't allow it to control how I feel about myself, I don't allow it to destroy certain opportunities. I hate that I have to all it to control what I do on a daily basis, that I have to question everything I do. But what can you do when the choice is hurt or not hurt?
Thursday, August 11, 2016
To the Man Who Verbally Attacked Me at the Local Store:
Dear Store Manager,
About a month ago, my service dog, caregiver and I walked into the store you managed. We only went in there to get some much needed items as I had just been through a small kitchen fire the week prior and was staying in a hotel. I had no food for my dog nor I, and very little money so we went to your store. As I was in there, my service dog got very sick and made a mess.
I honestly didn't know what to do nor did my caregiver as she was new. Sir, I am Autistic and suffer from PTSD and Autoimmune Diseases/Conditions. I was so stressed that I froze. I disassociated from the world we live in. I decided that getting the food and hygiene items was more important than asking for help from you, so quickly and quietly I bought my things and left your store and for that I am deeply sorry about.
I know I shouldn't have just left the mess, I know that I should've asked for help but it was impossible for me to ask. Being Autistic and having PTSD, it makes it hard to do such tasks when you are stressed as it is. I didn't make anymore of a mess and I didn't make a scene, I just bought my items and left.
But you decided it best that you follow me to my car, wait till I was in the car, and verbally assault me. When told what was really happening, you didn't care. You made it known by telling me so then banning me from your store.
Sir, do you really understand what you did? Do you have any understanding of what you have done?
No? Let me break it down.
Someone who was already distraught, someone who felt that nothing was going right, who really didn't know which way to turn, who was sick with worry, anxiety and strife, who's PTSD was badly triggered by the fire, walked into your store to get items like a tooth brush and food because you're a cheap store and she could afford it.
She didn't realize, however, that her service dog was sick. He isn't a robot, she can't just say HEY don't be sick! She didn't realize this and when he got sick, she did her best to not make anymore issues. So, embarrassed, scared, and already disassociating, she spent money her parents gave her AT YOUR STORE and left.
You decided that you knew better than others, whether you were wanting to impress or you thought you were better than her, you rushed out and yelled at her. Pinning her in her own car with no way to get out. You called her names, you demeaned her, you humiliated her in the middle of the parking lot, you not only triggered her Autism but you triggered her PTSD and thus putting her in a worse situation than before. She did nothing but apologize and say that she was sorry for not asking-- but could you blame her? She's already scared to death and you just made it worse, making it to where she may never want to ask for help again. By the time you were done, you tore apart what little left of her world she had. She did nothing to you, yet you attacked her. Furthermore, you then banned her from your store once you heard she was disabled. She cried and you laughed at her pain, how evil can you be?
I don't care what your position is at the store, I don't care who you're trying to impress, I will say this: you had no right to attack me and do what you did. I apologized, and although I should have asked for help, I couldn't. I am still working on that part of myself. I am still trying to change it, but you put me further behind in the process.
I am sorry I had to call your company, what makes me feel even worse is that you had to learn the hard way by losing your job that you can't do this to people. I truly hope you have learned that no matter how upset you are, it's not ok to attack someone and even moreso not ok to discriminate a disabled person. I feel horrible at how this turned out, at the fact you were fired but I couldn't stand by and allow this to happen. What if the next person wasn't as strong as me? What if at the moment they had decided to give up on life? And you did that to them? What if the next person didn't have a voice to speak up against you and you kept doing this for years? You needed to learn and I am sorry that it had to be this way. I do not like to see people punished, but if I stood around silent worse may have happened.
I hope next time this occurs both you and I know how to handle it better, I know I am working on it and I hope you are as well.
I learned a very important lesson from this situation though, that you can't be quiet about these things. You can't just sit there and ignore what happened because then the world will never change. As my therapist says "the squeaky wheel is never ignored!".
Sincerely,
A Disabled Advocate
About a month ago, my service dog, caregiver and I walked into the store you managed. We only went in there to get some much needed items as I had just been through a small kitchen fire the week prior and was staying in a hotel. I had no food for my dog nor I, and very little money so we went to your store. As I was in there, my service dog got very sick and made a mess.
I honestly didn't know what to do nor did my caregiver as she was new. Sir, I am Autistic and suffer from PTSD and Autoimmune Diseases/Conditions. I was so stressed that I froze. I disassociated from the world we live in. I decided that getting the food and hygiene items was more important than asking for help from you, so quickly and quietly I bought my things and left your store and for that I am deeply sorry about.
I know I shouldn't have just left the mess, I know that I should've asked for help but it was impossible for me to ask. Being Autistic and having PTSD, it makes it hard to do such tasks when you are stressed as it is. I didn't make anymore of a mess and I didn't make a scene, I just bought my items and left.
But you decided it best that you follow me to my car, wait till I was in the car, and verbally assault me. When told what was really happening, you didn't care. You made it known by telling me so then banning me from your store.
Sir, do you really understand what you did? Do you have any understanding of what you have done?
No? Let me break it down.
Someone who was already distraught, someone who felt that nothing was going right, who really didn't know which way to turn, who was sick with worry, anxiety and strife, who's PTSD was badly triggered by the fire, walked into your store to get items like a tooth brush and food because you're a cheap store and she could afford it.
She didn't realize, however, that her service dog was sick. He isn't a robot, she can't just say HEY don't be sick! She didn't realize this and when he got sick, she did her best to not make anymore issues. So, embarrassed, scared, and already disassociating, she spent money her parents gave her AT YOUR STORE and left.
You decided that you knew better than others, whether you were wanting to impress or you thought you were better than her, you rushed out and yelled at her. Pinning her in her own car with no way to get out. You called her names, you demeaned her, you humiliated her in the middle of the parking lot, you not only triggered her Autism but you triggered her PTSD and thus putting her in a worse situation than before. She did nothing but apologize and say that she was sorry for not asking-- but could you blame her? She's already scared to death and you just made it worse, making it to where she may never want to ask for help again. By the time you were done, you tore apart what little left of her world she had. She did nothing to you, yet you attacked her. Furthermore, you then banned her from your store once you heard she was disabled. She cried and you laughed at her pain, how evil can you be?
I don't care what your position is at the store, I don't care who you're trying to impress, I will say this: you had no right to attack me and do what you did. I apologized, and although I should have asked for help, I couldn't. I am still working on that part of myself. I am still trying to change it, but you put me further behind in the process.
I am sorry I had to call your company, what makes me feel even worse is that you had to learn the hard way by losing your job that you can't do this to people. I truly hope you have learned that no matter how upset you are, it's not ok to attack someone and even moreso not ok to discriminate a disabled person. I feel horrible at how this turned out, at the fact you were fired but I couldn't stand by and allow this to happen. What if the next person wasn't as strong as me? What if at the moment they had decided to give up on life? And you did that to them? What if the next person didn't have a voice to speak up against you and you kept doing this for years? You needed to learn and I am sorry that it had to be this way. I do not like to see people punished, but if I stood around silent worse may have happened.
I hope next time this occurs both you and I know how to handle it better, I know I am working on it and I hope you are as well.
I learned a very important lesson from this situation though, that you can't be quiet about these things. You can't just sit there and ignore what happened because then the world will never change. As my therapist says "the squeaky wheel is never ignored!".
"You don't just give up. You don’t just let things happen. You make a stand. You say "no." You have the guts to do what's right when everyone else just runs away!"
~Rose Tyler (Doctor Who; Steven Moffat~
A Disabled Advocate
((GIFS FOUND ON GOOGLE))
Thursday, August 4, 2016
A Letter to the Doctors Who Don't Care...
Dear Very Misled Doctors/Therapists,
Hello! Your clearly suffering patient here! I am writing this letter because you need to hear me out, you must listen! I am writing this because I PAY YOU to listen and help. I don't pay you to ignore me, thus making my health worse. I don't pay to be told lies or be told sugar coated twisted words. I pay you to find whats happening to me.
If I tell you HEY I'm having issues and need to talk, or HEY the pain is getting worse, can we do something about it? or HEY I need assistance moving, can I have *insert device*? HEAR ME OUT. Don't just ignore me! I am doing my best to live my life like any young adult, but being told that you can't or won't help me stops me and makes it harder to do so.
I need your help. We must work together to make things better, we must work together to find answers. A Doctor, Patient relationship must be both sides working together not just one doing it and the other not listening. Things won't get accomplished unless we both put our heads together and find the answers, I can't do it on my own but you can't either. You must put your pettiness aside and hear me out. If I say that the meds aren't working, then lets find another. If I am fearful of lowering something without adding another, please hear me out. Most likely there is reason to that fear. If I tell you that my pain is horrible, please believe me. Just because I am not crying, doesn't mean it's not there.
All I ask is you to listen. That's it. Have a heart. It's not all in my head (my pain) and I'm not faking (my pain and PTSD). Please hear me out and help me. It's hare as it is to deal with this, but even harder when those who are hired to help me won't.
Sincerely,
A chronic Illness Patient
Hello! Your clearly suffering patient here! I am writing this letter because you need to hear me out, you must listen! I am writing this because I PAY YOU to listen and help. I don't pay you to ignore me, thus making my health worse. I don't pay to be told lies or be told sugar coated twisted words. I pay you to find whats happening to me.
If I tell you HEY I'm having issues and need to talk, or HEY the pain is getting worse, can we do something about it? or HEY I need assistance moving, can I have *insert device*? HEAR ME OUT. Don't just ignore me! I am doing my best to live my life like any young adult, but being told that you can't or won't help me stops me and makes it harder to do so.
I need your help. We must work together to make things better, we must work together to find answers. A Doctor, Patient relationship must be both sides working together not just one doing it and the other not listening. Things won't get accomplished unless we both put our heads together and find the answers, I can't do it on my own but you can't either. You must put your pettiness aside and hear me out. If I say that the meds aren't working, then lets find another. If I am fearful of lowering something without adding another, please hear me out. Most likely there is reason to that fear. If I tell you that my pain is horrible, please believe me. Just because I am not crying, doesn't mean it's not there.
All I ask is you to listen. That's it. Have a heart. It's not all in my head (my pain) and I'm not faking (my pain and PTSD). Please hear me out and help me. It's hare as it is to deal with this, but even harder when those who are hired to help me won't.
Sincerely,
A chronic Illness Patient
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
Take Advantage of What You're Given
One cold Oregonian morning of February 2015, I woke up to my entire body feeling heavy because of this, I couldn't move to get up out of bed. My sister/best friend had to pull me out of bed, strip me and throw me in the tub with epson salt. It helped a little bit, I was fortunately able to move but it was painful and slow. This was what started my journey to finding an answer.
I have had joint pain, tolerable, since I was young. I can't remember not having it. The doctors just shrugged it off and thought I was faking. It was whatever but when this happened to me, I knew something was wrong so I immediately went to my doctor.
The first misdiagnosis I received was fibromyalgia but I was going downhill way to fast. They ran tests and poked me a lot. God they loved my blood! Haha! Anyways, when my half sister told me she had the same thing happen and they found out it was lupus, I told my doctor and she immediately sent me to the rheumatologist.
The man was heartless, or otherwise just plain rude. He never listened to anything I said and continually put my health at risk. Although, he claims to have found Rheumatoid Arthritis, I think there's other things wrong. I asked my doctor to send me to our local and best teaching hospital in Oregon and now I am waiting on my appointment.
I have gone from needing no assistance to a cane to a walker in a year. I have gone from needing only some help, to a caregiver to help me clean and get errands done. I am now immunosuppressed -- don't have a proper immune system now.
There's days where I can't get out of bed, where I can't leave my house because I need the bathroom close. There's times where I can't eat. Times where I can't dress. Times where I can't shower.
People take so much for granted. They call these big answers from God blessing but what they fail to realize is, the small things are the best blessing. Everything from waking, to eating, to being able to walk without assistance is a blessing. One day, you can be like me and wake up with those blessings gone, regretting that I didn't think that they were indeed blessings.
Don't be like me. Don't be the person who realizes when it i too late.
I have had joint pain, tolerable, since I was young. I can't remember not having it. The doctors just shrugged it off and thought I was faking. It was whatever but when this happened to me, I knew something was wrong so I immediately went to my doctor.
The first misdiagnosis I received was fibromyalgia but I was going downhill way to fast. They ran tests and poked me a lot. God they loved my blood! Haha! Anyways, when my half sister told me she had the same thing happen and they found out it was lupus, I told my doctor and she immediately sent me to the rheumatologist.
The man was heartless, or otherwise just plain rude. He never listened to anything I said and continually put my health at risk. Although, he claims to have found Rheumatoid Arthritis, I think there's other things wrong. I asked my doctor to send me to our local and best teaching hospital in Oregon and now I am waiting on my appointment.
I have gone from needing no assistance to a cane to a walker in a year. I have gone from needing only some help, to a caregiver to help me clean and get errands done. I am now immunosuppressed -- don't have a proper immune system now.
There's days where I can't get out of bed, where I can't leave my house because I need the bathroom close. There's times where I can't eat. Times where I can't dress. Times where I can't shower.
People take so much for granted. They call these big answers from God blessing but what they fail to realize is, the small things are the best blessing. Everything from waking, to eating, to being able to walk without assistance is a blessing. One day, you can be like me and wake up with those blessings gone, regretting that I didn't think that they were indeed blessings.
Don't be like me. Don't be the person who realizes when it i too late.
Find the Person Who...
Find the person who compliments you. Who knows you are a beautiful mess but loves you cracks and curves and all. Find the person who understands you aren't perfect, but loves you anyways. Find that person who supports your choices, no matter what they may be and respects them. Find that person who fits with your type of weirdness. Find that person who, when given a challenge, takes it. Find that person who can be at your bedside when things go bad. Find that person who doesn't give up when things get rough, when you fight and think that things can't possibly be put back together-- find that person who picks up the glue and tries. Find that person who helps you with the hurdles in your life. Find that person who you can talk deep, intimate conversations with and learn from. Find that person who you can grow with.
DON'T find that person who doesn't compliment you. Don't find that person who yells at you and blames you. Who hurts you whether that be physically or mentally.. Don't find that person who tears you apart and makes you cry. Who doesn't support your choices, who controls your life, who uses jealousy as an excuse to betray you. Don't find the person who thinks only of theirself.
Find the person who brings out the best in you and helps you blossom.
DON'T find that person who doesn't compliment you. Don't find that person who yells at you and blames you. Who hurts you whether that be physically or mentally.. Don't find that person who tears you apart and makes you cry. Who doesn't support your choices, who controls your life, who uses jealousy as an excuse to betray you. Don't find the person who thinks only of theirself.
Find the person who brings out the best in you and helps you blossom.
Monday, August 1, 2016
When You Feel that You Aren't Enough...
Sometimes when you have a chronic illness, you feel like you aren't enough. Some of us have to have a caregiver, others our spouses help ton out, some of us can't even get out of bed in the morning or do what we wish to accomplish. At times, we feel like a burden to society rather than a normal human being. We feel like we take more than we should.
That's the thing, we are telling ourselves this. Most of the time, our family or those around us understand and help because they care OR if you have a caregiver, they are paid to help you-- so don't beat yourself up over it. I know that is easier said than done and that it can be hard when you've gone from independent to needing more help but THAT'S OK. You are still human, you are still worth it and you deserve to be treated as such.
We are own worse enemies. Half the time, we are the ones who treat ourselves as inhuman. We are the ones who think bad about ourselves. WE NEED TO STOP THIS THINKING. We need to realize that just because we need extra help or have a hard time doing things, that doesn't mean we're anything less than what we were before. We must push ourselves to see the beauty in things before the bad, beauty in ourselves. We need to see what we can do and grow on that than focusing on the things we can't do.
We are beautiful majestic human beings and we deserve to see ourselves in that light. You deserve it. You are beautiful, unique and awesome. You deserve so much in this world-- allow it to happen.
That's the thing, we are telling ourselves this. Most of the time, our family or those around us understand and help because they care OR if you have a caregiver, they are paid to help you-- so don't beat yourself up over it. I know that is easier said than done and that it can be hard when you've gone from independent to needing more help but THAT'S OK. You are still human, you are still worth it and you deserve to be treated as such.
We are own worse enemies. Half the time, we are the ones who treat ourselves as inhuman. We are the ones who think bad about ourselves. WE NEED TO STOP THIS THINKING. We need to realize that just because we need extra help or have a hard time doing things, that doesn't mean we're anything less than what we were before. We must push ourselves to see the beauty in things before the bad, beauty in ourselves. We need to see what we can do and grow on that than focusing on the things we can't do.
We are beautiful majestic human beings and we deserve to see ourselves in that light. You deserve it. You are beautiful, unique and awesome. You deserve so much in this world-- allow it to happen.
Sunday, July 31, 2016
My thoughts on the Anti-Vax movement
I know that I'll probably get some hate for writing this, I know that this is controversial but I must write about this. I must write my feelings about this.
Here's my stance: the major vaccines, the ones who've been around for years, should be mandatory to all who can take it. The newer things, I don't think should be mandatory. At all.
The one thing I'm very angry about is when people spread lies about how they THEY think that vaccines cause autism. That really irks me, it angers me because it is simply not true. It implies that we are a disease and we aren't. We are human. Get over the fact we are different. Things can be difficult yes, but we are not a disease we are human. We should be treated as such! And when you say that vaccines cause autism, you are anti-autistic. You are a danger to us and our wellbeing. You are the problem. Can you just accept us? That's all we want.
So if you use autism as an excuse to not vaccinate your child, to make them vulnerable to deadly plagues and diseases, you are anti-autistic, and I do not stand for that as I am a human as well.
I'm sorry for being so blunt but I hope you can see why I'm so angry right?
I know I'll probably lose followers for saying these things but I can't hold it back anymore.
How My Faith Has Helped Me Through
I don't usually write about my faith as I don't like when people attack me, because I have been attacked for it.
I am a proud member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon). My faith has helped me through, it's helped me through my trial and tribulations. It has helped me through the dark times of my life.
I say it's helped me, let me explain. Jesus Christ, God and my church have truly been helping me. Jesus Christ and God have given me strength to succeed and keep going. They've helped me through the worse parts of my life and I wouldn't be alive today without seeing the light. They've given me hope and support when I had no one. My church. Its people. They've helped me with things like bills, food, and friendship when I needed it the most. I met my wonderful boyfriend through church. He's never left my side and knows how sick I am. He supports me through thick and thin.
I know many people have gone through bad things when attending a church, but for me I have been lucky. As usual, with any place you are a part of there'll be drama. Especially if it's among young adults. But the drama outweighs the good and positive I've seen. I've been accepted by many in my ward, I've been helped and blessed and I feel so horrible that some people can't attend even another or my own Christian church because of their experiences. I pray and wish there'll be change and the hate will leave all people's hearts.
I know many have bad ideas about my faith, but as a queer, genderqueer female, disabled, Arab young woman I have met nothing but acceptance from the members. I know that not everywhere is like this. I know I'm fairly lucky. I do not agree with everything that my church says, but I hold tight to my faith. I will always.
With this said, I will like to end saying that I know my faith helps me and Jesus Christ and God is what has helped me through. I am a proud member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and will forever be.
Friday, July 29, 2016
All I Want to Hear
What I want to hear as an Autoimmune Disease patient, is very simple. I don’t want to hear “You’re so brave!” or “You’re my hero!”. Although these things are great and positive, it feels very demeaning to me when I am not feeling brave or strong. I love that people want to compliment me, I love that they make an attempt at showing that they care but I don’t want to hear that every time or all the time.
What I want to hear most is not that I am brave or strong, but that it’s ok not to be. I want someone to hug me and say “It is OK to not be strong all the time, to not be brave 24/7. It’s OK to yell and scream and have a fit, just don’t stay in that frame of mind all the time. You aren’t being negative when you aren’t brave or strong all the time.”
I want to express my fears without being told “Just stay positive”. I want to be told that my fears are rational and that I can still be real without being negative. I want people, society even to stop this conception that if you are fighting something deadly that you are brave and strong all the time when all you are doing is living, you are doing what everyone else is doing. I want people to listen when I say that I am being realistic instead immediately judging that I am being negative.
I want to be real without someone judging.
Thursday, July 28, 2016
How Luna Lovegood Helped Me Accept Myself
"You're just as sane as I am."
Luna Lovegood (JK Rowling)
In my childhood, there were a few characters from books that helped me not only find myself but accept myself for who I am. One of them was Luna Lovegood from the Harry Potter Series by JK Rowling.
As a child who was often the outcast and the target of many bullies, I identified with Luna. I loved that she accepted who she was and that, no matter what the bullies would do or say she'd keep her chin up and use it to teach others or as a learning experience for herself.
She didn't care what anyone thought about her, she wouldn't change herself one bit just because others wanted her to. I was much like her, I had and still have my weird quirks. I was viewed as the weird child in school throughout my life and Luna embodied what I wanted so desperately to be. I felt like she was my best friend (I knew she was only a fictional character) but I felt like I understood her so much that I knew her personally. I would read and read and tell myself that one day I would accept who I am and become like Luna.
Well one day, the Seventh and final book of the series came out. As I read it I watched as Luna became stronger and a warrior in the battle. It helped me to realize that, I too, could be that warrior. I could accept myself and stop trying to run from who I am. So I started to be myself around other people, (I really do have the same personality as her, just more bubbly). I did lose some friends, but in the end I knew who was true to me. I decided that no one would EVER convince me to change who I was.
I have Luna to thank for this. I don't think that if I hadn't read about her or watched her story grow, that I would be myself today. I think I probably would've allowed myself to change into what they wanted. She is such a unique character. I don't think I have ever read one that is much like this where she doesn't allow anyone to change her. She is weird, but in a good way. She knows it and OWNS IT! And that is one thing that I love about this character, not only does she accept it, she owns it! She owns who she is and she doesn't care who thinks she's weird or strange, she owns it all!
Instead of allowing other people to dictate what she says and does, she just ignores it and goes about her life. In the end, she became someone who many could look up to as a character. I don't think that I was the only one who's life was changed by her.
She is the embodiment of what who we should be. Girls are so often told that they must be a certain way, must act, do, look, be a certain person. She tells those like that to screw off. She is what every girl should be like: "I don't give a rat's butt what you say I should be, I am going to be who I am and do what I love and you can't change that. You will never change that."
I see so many girls who look up to Hermione, but Luna is the one that many don't. I don't know why as Luna teaches girls to be themselves in a world that tells them differently. Don't get me wrong! I love Hermione, in fact she is one of the other characters that is on my list (and will do a post about at some time!) but I feel that Luna embodies what all of us Females should be like. Hermione is another but we aren't on the subject of her at the moment.
I will end this post with this: You are just as sane as I am. Do not ever let anyone dictate who you are to be just because you think outside of the box. Love yourself and the world will send you your true friends.
xoxo
Ari the Ant
****All pictures were found using google search engine, I do not own them.
Having a Rough Time? Here's Some Positive Affirmations to Help Out!
Most of us know what an affirmation is but in case you don't here is the definition:
I really hope you enjoyed this post! Till next time!
~Ari the Ant
***DISCLAIMER-- THIS IS NOT WRITTEN AS A CURE ALL, IF YOU ARE SUICIDAL, DEPRESSED OR NOT IN A GOOD MINDSET I URGE YOU TO STILL CALL YOUR SUPPORT TEAM AND IF YOU DO NOT HAVE ONE, PLEASE CALL A HELP LINE. THIS IS ONLY A COPING SKILL I HAVE USED TO HELP COPE WITH THESE FEELINGS.
af·firm·a·tion
ˌafərˈmāSH(ə)n/
noun
plural noun: affirmations
- 1.the action or process of affirming something or being affirmed."he nodded in affirmation"
synonyms: declaration, statement, assertion, proclamation, pronouncement, attestation; More "the poem ends with an affirmation of pastoral values"antonyms: denial - Lawa formal declaration by a person who declines to take an oath for reasons of conscience.
- 2.emotional support or encouragement."the lack of one or both parents' affirmation leaves some children emotionally crippled"In this case, I will be talking about positive affirmations-- the second definition shown above.We all go through rough times in our life, where it feels like we just can't see the life. We begin to tell ourselves things that are negative. Eventually, these things begin to make things worse. What we tell ourselves can have a big impact on our view of the world, on our perception. Our perception makes up the world we live in."Reality is irrelevant; perception is everything." -Terry GoodkindWhen we begin to tell ourselves negative things, eventually they turn our views of the world dark. So, there's a coping mechanism I learned a while back that has helped me tremendously and I thought I'd share it with you.AFFIRMATIONS! That's right! They've helped me so much! There's so much you can do with positive quotes but first, I want to share a few that have helped me through the toughest times-- that way you have something to start out with.
- That which does not kill you, makes you stronger in the end.
- This too, shall pass.
- It may be raining now, but the sun can't hide forever!
- Happiness can only be created by ourselves, by living the life that we desire. Don't ruin that happiness by doing what others want you to do, go out and make your life the way you want it, be who you are and ignore those that seek to ruin your happiness.
- You are beautiful inside and out.
- Strength is not measured by how much you can lift, but by how many times you got up when you were knocked down.
- Bravery is looking your fear in the eye and saying, "I can do this, you have no power over me."
- You can't live your whole life being what others want, you must create and mold what you want. So what are you waiting for? Go out and do it!
Most of these I have written myself and some I got from a former therapist of mine. You may use them if you wish to.
Here's a few things that you can do with affirmations that I have seen help myself and others:
- Choose one that most fits the situation or feeling, fits as in is opposite of the feeling you have. For example: If you are depressed, you would probably choose something like "It may be raining now, but the sun can't hide forever!" or "This too, shall pass." Now, take that affirmation and memorize. Make sure you have it down. If you can't memorize it, write it down and put it near your bedside and another someplace that you use all the time. Now, in the morning when you wake, and right before you go to sleep take that and say it 10x. When you start to feel stressed out with these feelings pull them out (during the day) and say it 10x. This will help get your mind back on track. Of course it won't cure depression, but it is a great coping skill that can help.
- Choose several that fit your situation like above and write them out on small index cards. Put them up in your bathroom on a mirror so that you can see it and read it. Put it on your fridge, in your purse, you can use it as a book mark. Put it places you see most often around your home and if you have a desk or your own locker at work, put it there. That way you are reading it often and it will eventually get stuck in your brain. It really helps.
- Or you could, memorize one you choose and say it to yourself whenever you need it.
- What's even cooler is-- you can make up your own! You don't have to use mine or anyone elses! You can make up your own, use your favorite quotes too!
- You can use these any which way you want, these are only a few suggestions to start you out!
I really hope you enjoyed this post! Till next time!
~Ari the Ant
***DISCLAIMER-- THIS IS NOT WRITTEN AS A CURE ALL, IF YOU ARE SUICIDAL, DEPRESSED OR NOT IN A GOOD MINDSET I URGE YOU TO STILL CALL YOUR SUPPORT TEAM AND IF YOU DO NOT HAVE ONE, PLEASE CALL A HELP LINE. THIS IS ONLY A COPING SKILL I HAVE USED TO HELP COPE WITH THESE FEELINGS.
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