The White Room

It wasn't very long ago when I was stuck in what I like to call the White Room. This white room doesn't have any windows, doors, or anyway out of it. It's just a four walled room. The ceiling, floor and walls white. Nothing of substantial color in there. Just how it's described, white. It's maddening. It can make anyone go absolutely insane. 

What is this white room you ask?

It's my metaphor for disassociation. It's a mechanism many with PTSD have when their brain feels threatened. Their brain goes within itself and you are stuck. You are alone in this room with what feels like no way out. It's not just "depression". Although one may go through it at the same time as depression, they are not quite the same. When you disassociate, you're more than stuck in your own mind. You've been taken hostage by a being that is meant to help you, instead it's destroying you. The world around you falls away, you can't pay any attention to the things going on around you because your mind isn't there. You're stuck till you are pulled out. 

Sometimes it can last a few hours up to even a few years! It takes a lot to pull someone out of this state, sometimes the person can do it on their own, sometimes people help the person, and sometimes the only solution to it is medication. There was a point where I was in one for 3 years! The only thing that helped me pull myself out of it was moving to another state. My most recent lasted several months. I'd sit there for hours staring at a wall, staring at my phone, losing myself in my own mind. There were days that I completely lost myself that I forgot to eat. It took new medication for me to pull out of it. 

How does it affect someone's life?

Other than losing yourself in your own mind, it can affect multiple areas. I'll share how it affected me because it is different for everyone. For me , I can't clean, cook, move sometimes, lack of concentration, exhausted and my depression gets worse. If my house is a mess, like you can't see the floor, I may be going through disassociation. I lose friends and people start to think I am just ignoring them even though I am really not. 

Why am I writing about this?

It needs more awareness. Many don't know what happens when you go through this or what disassociation is. In hopes of helping those who have no clue how to describe it, I decided that this would be my newest blog post. 

To those who go through this, feel free to add to or share your own experiences.